Hello everyone, I am a concerned mother. My son is 22 years old and has been addicted to gambling for several years and still lives in our household . 2 years ago he stole from his girlfriend's parents, now during his final exams he was dismissed without notice (2 warnings for unexcused absence from vocational school). In the meantime a complaint for internet fraud fluttered into the house. These are the things we know about. We were with him at the Youth Welfare Office, I had a betting office closed by the police (he was still a minor at the time), we were in counseling for gambling addicts as a family and in individual meetings. It has all brought nothing. I have tried 2x to manage his account and his debts what I have also managed until the beginning of the year. Except for 300 EUR he was Debt free of about 5000 EUR. Then everything started all over again. I would like to have him committed, but I don't know if this is possible. Does anyone have advice how we should act without making everything worse? Many thanks in advance
I have no children of my own, but I can imagine the situation. At the age of 22 he can do what he thinks is right, and if this is legal then you as a mother can't do much about it. He has to learn from his mistakes, has to feel the consequences of his behavior. He is old enough to stand up for what he does, -> rights and duties! He seems to be doing too well at home in the Hotel-Mama. -> Mom will take care of it for me, she has always done it up to now". I would give him an ultimatum, and only one last one. If he does not change, then I would let him move out! At the latest when the first time in the middle of the month the refrigerator is empty, he will learn from it. Hunger is not a nice feeling! Maybe dauernts few times, but sometime machtts click, it must!
Never bail out your son again. He must lie on the ground and learn from his own mistakes. By you paying his debts, he will not learn anything. Maybe he has to build up 10,000€ of debt. But at the latest when no one helps him anymore, that's when the thinking process starts
capriz wrote on 02/17/2019 08:46: Never help your son out again. He needs to be down and out and learn from his own mistakes. By you paying off his debts he learns nothing in the process. Maybe he has to build up 10.000€ of debt. But at the latest when no one helps him anymore, that's when the thinking process starts.
Yes I know that.... for me it is very hard to do nothing and to watch him deteriorate more and more. As you can read here, addicts are thinking about killing themselves because they don't know how to get out of it. Therefore, my question with the forced admission.I will go next week in a counseling center for relatives....
don't think that forced incarceration is the right step. by doing so, you are interfering again.
this way he can't gain any experience. as has already been said here, it is the right way not to help him anymore.
if he has a certain basic intelligence, the penny will drop at some point.
but it must fall with him and not that someone drops the penny for him.
to protect is honorable, but everything has limits.
It's amazing that you hope for help in a forum where gambling is glorified in good German.
However, a son as a gambling addict and the right way to deal with this must first be learned.
As far as his addiction is concerned, here it needs first of all a shift from his side, but this can take a long time with a gambler, this addiction is strong, damn strong and the demand to play even greater.
Relatives or you as a mother would like to help your son, of course, that problem - you do not understand anything about this addiction (I assume you now), but unfortunately do not recognize (yet) that your often well-intentioned help only prolongs his addiction
This is especially true for any financial support, but also the most dirty part of this addiction, the manipulations you are exposed to a player (I kill myself etc.)...
As for your son, only when he has to take full responsibility for his actions are changes regarding his gambling behavior even possible.
As for you, as long as you don't change anything (let's say, fall for his games) as long as there is no reason for your son to change anything either.
Gambling addiction is a recognized disease -and you can't carry a disease for someone else, even if it affects your own child
A counseling center for relatives is really the best possible thing you can do for yourself at the moment - it is unlikely to help your son.
Greetings and all the best for you.
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Anonym
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Mother concerned
17th Feb. 2019, at 01:26 pm CET#7
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Do you have relatives in the country or abroad? Maybe send there.
Maybe someone who has already overcome the addiction and talks to him, the best are group talks without the parents
So only that the addicts talk to a psychologist. Vill they can convert him better. Otherwise I give you another advice, do not stop, Holl him out there
With 22 it has also started with me and
You don't want to know what kind of situation I am in. Good luck, I hope you can do it and that the boy gets away from it
Peter8 wrote on 02/17/2019 1:26 pm: Do you maybe have relatives in the country or abroad? Maybe send them there.
Maybe also help jmd the addiction has already overcome and talk to him, the best are group talks without the parents
So only that the addicted talk to a psychologist. Vill they can convert him better. Otherwise I give you another advice, do not stop, Holl him out there
With 22 it has also started with me and
You don't want to know what kind of situation I am in. Good luck, I hope you manage that and that the boy comes away from it
Hmm Peter...you will not be able to escape from your addiction, one day it will catch up with you anyway...
Gambling addiction is usually the result of deeper deficits - and no matter where you go, it won't change anything, you take your problems with you.
I like your second suggestion much better....the experience and the exchange with like-minded people, so a (SHG) self-help group for gambling addicts.
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Anonym
Former Member
Mother concerned
17th Feb. 2019, at 04:27 pm CET#9
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Yes of course every player who is an addict has
deeper deficits, are you still there? What kind of pigeonhole thinking is that.
And it's not about running away from the problems, it's about bringing new characteristics, or other things into focus.
Maybe one or the other discovers new things when he knows that there is no casino he has to occupy himself differently...
Every addict is different and you are not a psychologist or doctor, so what works or not, you can not judge for sure, the woman is looking for tips and not a smartass who says what helps and what does not, and as I said even if you can not just write this without knowing the boy and know what is better...
Peace
I wrote "mostly" Peter -and "mostly" is not always with me...
It is clear that not every addict is the same,
nevertheless there are certain patterns that you will find in "almost every" pathological gambler.
However, I didn't sign up for this forum to help people with their addiction, I think that would be the wrong place.
That's why my answers were only aimed at the TE, precisely because relatives are often completely overwhelmed with an addict.
So what YOU do, whether you live out your - or how you live out your addiction, if you are addicted at all, that is entirely up to you - honestly, I'm not the slightest bit interested.
Well, and on the subject of smart alecks, you will hardly believe it,
outside of this forum, I am actively involved with gambling addicts from time to time.
But maybe you're right and I'm just a smartass...anyway, just between you and me - still better than a gambler!
Mother concerned
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Mother concerned
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Good luck
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Mother concerned
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Yes I know that.... for me it is very hard to do nothing and to watch him deteriorate more and more. As you can read here, addicts are thinking about killing themselves because they don't know how to get out of it. Therefore, my question with the forced admission.I will go next week in a counseling center for relatives....
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Mother concerned
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this way he can't gain any experience. as has already been said here, it is the right way not to help him anymore.
if he has a certain basic intelligence, the penny will drop at some point.
but it must fall with him and not that someone drops the penny for him.
to protect is honorable, but everything has limits.
This post has been translated automatically
Mother concerned
Nobody has liked this post so far
However, a son as a gambling addict and the right way to deal with this must first be learned.
As far as his addiction is concerned, here it needs first of all a shift from his side, but this can take a long time with a gambler, this addiction is strong, damn strong and the demand to play even greater.
Relatives or you as a mother would like to help your son, of course, that problem - you do not understand anything about this addiction (I assume you now), but unfortunately do not recognize (yet) that your often well-intentioned help only prolongs his addiction
This is especially true for any financial support, but also the most dirty part of this addiction, the manipulations you are exposed to a player (I kill myself etc.)...
As for your son, only when he has to take full responsibility for his actions are changes regarding his gambling behavior even possible.
As for you, as long as you don't change anything (let's say, fall for his games) as long as there is no reason for your son to change anything either.
Gambling addiction is a recognized disease -and you can't carry a disease for someone else, even if it affects your own child
A counseling center for relatives is really the best possible thing you can do for yourself at the moment - it is unlikely to help your son.
Greetings and all the best for you.
This post has been translated automatically
Mother concerned
Nobody has liked this post so far
Maybe someone who has already overcome the addiction and talks to him, the best are group talks without the parents
So only that the addicts talk to a psychologist. Vill they can convert him better. Otherwise I give you another advice, do not stop, Holl him out there
With 22 it has also started with me and
You don't want to know what kind of situation I am in. Good luck, I hope you can do it and that the boy gets away from it
This post has been translated automatically
Mother concerned
Nobody has liked this post so far
Hmm Peter...you will not be able to escape from your addiction, one day it will catch up with you anyway...
Gambling addiction is usually the result of deeper deficits - and no matter where you go, it won't change anything, you take your problems with you.
I like your second suggestion much better....the experience and the exchange with like-minded people, so a (SHG) self-help group for gambling addicts.
This post has been translated automatically
Mother concerned
Nobody has liked this post so far
deeper deficits, are you still there? What kind of pigeonhole thinking is that.
And it's not about running away from the problems, it's about bringing new characteristics, or other things into focus.
Maybe one or the other discovers new things when he knows that there is no casino he has to occupy himself differently...
Every addict is different and you are not a psychologist or doctor, so what works or not, you can not judge for sure, the woman is looking for tips and not a smartass who says what helps and what does not, and as I said even if you can not just write this without knowing the boy and know what is better...
Peace
This post has been translated automatically
Mother concerned
Nobody has liked this post so far
It is clear that not every addict is the same,
nevertheless there are certain patterns that you will find in "almost every" pathological gambler.
However, I didn't sign up for this forum to help people with their addiction, I think that would be the wrong place.
That's why my answers were only aimed at the TE, precisely because relatives are often completely overwhelmed with an addict.
So what YOU do, whether you live out your - or how you live out your addiction, if you are addicted at all, that is entirely up to you - honestly, I'm not the slightest bit interested.
Well, and on the subject of smart alecks, you will hardly believe it,
outside of this forum, I am actively involved with gambling addicts from time to time.
But maybe you're right and I'm just a smartass...anyway, just between you and me - still better than a gambler!
All the best Peter and good luck...
Peace
This post has been translated automatically